


there’s this old saying

by fleury



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:00:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25547086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleury/pseuds/fleury
Summary: He’s eleven years old the first time he sees two boys holding hands.“You’re going to hell,” he hears someone shout.
Relationships: Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 19
Kudos: 86





	there’s this old saying

**Author's Note:**

> i haven’t written in a long LONG time bc i haven’t been in a great place ✨mentally✨ but oh my GOD did i miss it here
> 
> small lil thing :) couldve fleshed this out buttttt naw

Liquor burns the back of his throat like flames. Cody’s eyes dart between the cup in his hand and the half empty bottle perched on the table. 

Half empty, he thinks. Always half empty.

He puts down the cup. He grabs the bottle.

“I’m not a fag,” he says, tears beading on his lash line. They mingle with the oncoming raindrops, hiding. 

Noel stares back at him, a hand against the edge of his door. He says nothing.

“I’m,” Cody starts, stops. He feels the world beneath him crumbling. “That’s not me. That will never be me.”

Noel says, “Okay,” and blinks. 

_You did this to me,_ Cody wants to scream. _You made me this way, you ruined me_. He doesn’t.

His pride is dead. 

Every part of him feels that way, really. 

The kettle of tea brewing on his stovetop whistles in his empty house. Cody stares at it, eyes burning, hands shaking. 

“I got it,” Noel says as he moves across the kitchen. “You wanna go fishing tonight?” 

Cody’s staring at his own two hands, staring at the fingerprint bruises on his wrists. The only things swirling around his head are new memories he wants to forget. 

He wants to forget Noel.

“Why,” Cody mumbles.

“Because you spend too much time indoors.” Noel clicks his tongue. “Hermit.” 

The first time Noel kisses him is on a boat, the motor thrumming softly, their fishing rods clipped into the side. 

Cody doesn’t know what it is. Noel’s hands on either side of his face, the delicate slide of his mouth, the way it makes Cody’s breath stop. 

Cody doesn’t know what it is that makes him shove Noel off of him.

“What the fuck,” he shouts, “what the _fuck_.”

Noel’s lips part a little, like he’s at a loss for words. “I’m sorry, I—I thought. I,” he stammers.

Cody shoves him again. The boat sways. He’s buzzed, and if he was anymore tipsy this could end entirely differently. Worse. “Stay the hell off me, I’m not like that. I don’t do that shit. What the fuck is your problem.”

Noel’s brows crease. “Hey, man, I got the wrong idea. I said I’m sorry.” 

“We’re going back. Stay the hell away from me.” 

“I’m not a fag,” Cody says, frustration curling around every syllable. “That’s fucked. Who the hell do you think I am, keep that shit to yourself.” 

Noel’s looking back at him, confusion wafting over his face. “You—“ 

The first time _Cody_ kisses Noel is with heated words simmering on his tongue. He kisses him, and shoves him away. He doesn’t miss the way he feels his fist clench either. 

But it doesn’t get that far. Cody’s mature enough to keep that down. 

He’s eleven years old the first time he sees two boys holding hands. Men, not boys. In their early twenties, maybe. There are rings on their fingers. 

Cody didn’t know you could do that. 

He looks up at his father and the world goes black, a hand slides over his eyes. 

“You’re going to hell,” he hears someone shout. “Keep it off the goddamn streets.” 

It takes Cody a minute to recognize his father’s voice through the hatred.

He can’t quite recognize himself anymore either, blemished by the way he wants to tear away parts of himself. 

He wants to tear Noel off of him. Noel’s head resting against his naked chest, Noel’s fingers drawing circles on his stomach, Noel, Noel, Noel. 

He hears shouting. It’s all in his head. There’s a familiar voice he recognizes 

He breaths in.

He breathes out. He’s sick of holding his breath.

“I used to live in this town,” he says, staring down at his coffee. Black, because he’s out of milk. Noel used it all for his tea. “It was small. Smaller than this one.” 

“Huh,” Noel says. 

“There was a couple. Two guys, Will and Carson.” Cody pauses when his voice cracks. He can’t quite find his words. “They disappeared one night. I still don’t know where to, or how. I was too young to ask any questions. My dad always told me they moved, but.” 

Noel swallows. Cody can hear his throat click. 

“Oh,” he says. “Oh.”

“You’re going to hell,” Cody repeats to himself, eyes piercing into his reflection. 

His lips are still tingling from Noel kissing him. His stomach is still wobbling from the unsteady boat.

He doesn’t hear his own voice. It’s his father’s. 

He cries at night.

When he’s fifteen, sixteen, seventeen. He buries his face in his hands and he sobs, because he feels something well up in his chest whenever he looks at that boy. 

_That_ boy, the one that smiles at him with his eyes, who speaks with words that make Cody’s heart flutter, who Cody can’t bear to be in the same room as. 

He meets a girl, he takes her on dates, he kisses her and he tells her he loves her and they stay together for months and months and it just never feels right. 

He tells himself it’s a solution. It’s not.

“I’m not a fag,” Cody says, his voice shaking. Noel’s hands are tight on his wrist, holding him in place. 

Cody wants to press into him, wants to hug him, but he knows the second Noel lets go all he’ll want to do is run to his car. 

“I’m not,” he says, weaker this time. It feels like pleading. It sounds even more pathetic. “I can’t. I never—“ 

“Cody.” It sounds perfect when Noel says his name, all the right tones. “It’s okay. It’s okay to feel.”

Cody wants to rip his heart out of his chest, just to squeeze it. To really feel every part of it, to know what it wants. Because right now all he can hear is his brain shouting all the things his father has said to him, all the rumours about a murder in his small hometown, all the judgmental eyes, everything. 

When Noel leans in, Cody kisses him.


End file.
